Destruction

In the space of two days I have destroyed and lost. I have lost one friend and pushed away another's love. The pain is almost unbearable, and I don't know what to do with myself.
But.
Did I not bring this on myself? Didn't I push them away? Possibly. Probably.

Maybe I just like destroying things. Scuppering my chances. Allowing melancholy and disaster in.

Maybe I just don't know the value of things. I throw things away too easily because I was brought up spoilt (youngest child). I actually hate that. I hate whenever I feel like I have not learned to keep things sacred because I was spoilt as I child. I try so hard not to act spoilt but I get reminded that I am. I also get told I need to grow up, which I also hate because no-one is perfect. Especially those who tell me to grow up. Everyone does stupid things. At least I realise them and show real remorse. At least I care about how I affect others.

Maybe I need peace. For the last 3 or so years I have not had any peace. This last year has been especially taxing on the soul and I need to recuperate. It may take years. Well, that's what it feels like. There are some things that I don't feel anymore, some things I am no longer in touch with, and some things I no longer believe in. I need to believe in those things again otherwise I know I won't survive this life. Not how I should anyway.

Why does this hurt so much? I am free from the grasp of those who have hurt me. So why am I still suffering?