How Long?

People always say that all it takes is time for pain to fade, for the hurt to go away. I try to quantify it - for some things I'll tell myself that it will take a year, others a few months, a few days. I think I do it because I imagine it would work like my alarm clock. I always happen to wake up seconds before my alarm goes off in the morning, and sometimes I can wake up at a certain time the next day if I tell myself I have to be awake at that time. I imagine that by setting a deadline for myself to get over what ever it is I am trying to get over I will automatically feel better when that time comes.

Trouble is, it's not working and now I don't know what else to do. I don't want to still be in this mess in my head. I have made great efforts to keep moving this year, but they seem to be in vain and I feel like I am losing. I feel like everyone else is moving on, growing, improving, creating larger pockets of happiness for themselves, yet I am still here...here.

The Editors

"People are fragile things, you should know by now. Be careful what you put them through."

The Time Traveller's Wife

Saw the trailer for 'The Time Travelers Wife' yesterday.
It was a total surprise because I had totally forgotten they were adapting it for film. You see, my friend who would have normally alerted me isn't talking to me at the moment. It's hard because I really want to share this with him.

I have read this book so many times that I have a pretty good 'film' version going on in my head already, and this? It all looked a bit too shiny and glamorous to me. Firstly, there doesn't seem to be enough rain and grey tones. Doesn't Claire need to look more ethereal? Her hair is neither thick enough or long enough and it needs to be more red. Like, I thought she was a proper red head, almost ginger. Eric Bana is hot an all but I would have thought he would lose weight for the film. Henry often pukes up, is running around, fighting people and just mostly in this total crazy mess and I just imagined he would look less shiny an new and a little more scrawny...! So shoot me. But I'm not gonna build myself up for disappointment.

I might not even go and see it. Maybe I should just stick to the version in my head. If I go watch it then maybe my scenery will change and Rachel 'smiley smiley' McAdams will keep popping in for a cuppa too. I'm happy with my version, I don't want it to change.

Content

I'm ok. It's strange what makes a person content. One day I'm all hurly-burly-feeling-lonely-screaming-rage-in-my-head, but here I am alone in the house on a Friday night feeling quite content.

I had a full uneventful day - survived work which started at 7am, did some sale shopping after and spent a crazy amount of money in the space of 1 hour, but birthday presents for all the younger members of the family are set until next year :). Met up with my friend for lunch/dinner which was lovely then home. I felt all creative and decided to make a card for my niece using decorations I nicked from a wedding recently - how nifty am I?

Now I'm sitting in bed listening to music and watching the sky. It looks amazing. These rainy days suit me. I love it when it rains especially if there is thunder and lightning involved. Yesterday I actually rode my bike out in the rain, I haven't done that...well...ever. It was wonderful. Not since I was a kid have I gotten wet in the rain on purpose and never whilst cycling. But I love it even more when I'm snuggled in bed and the rain is pouring onto my flat roof (room is an extension).

At the moment I see heavy dark clouds, the colour of which I can only describe as 'prussian blue' but with patches of clear sky in the distance where I can see the oranges and pinks of the setting sun. See, I am looking again.

Strong Enough

What I wrote in my last post just sounds so...fake. I'm not saying that I didn't feel those words, but they just don't sound right. Who wants to hear crap like that? I have a long way to go to be able to express my self properly, but that's the purpose of starting this blog - to write with some discipline, knowing that others may be reading, instead of writing however I want for myself in a journal. So, have patience people!

For now I'll let Sheryl Crow express to you pretty much exactly the state of me right now:

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

**

Destruction

In the space of two days I have destroyed and lost. I have lost one friend and pushed away another's love. The pain is almost unbearable, and I don't know what to do with myself.
But.
Did I not bring this on myself? Didn't I push them away? Possibly. Probably.

Maybe I just like destroying things. Scuppering my chances. Allowing melancholy and disaster in.

Maybe I just don't know the value of things. I throw things away too easily because I was brought up spoilt (youngest child). I actually hate that. I hate whenever I feel like I have not learned to keep things sacred because I was spoilt as I child. I try so hard not to act spoilt but I get reminded that I am. I also get told I need to grow up, which I also hate because no-one is perfect. Especially those who tell me to grow up. Everyone does stupid things. At least I realise them and show real remorse. At least I care about how I affect others.

Maybe I need peace. For the last 3 or so years I have not had any peace. This last year has been especially taxing on the soul and I need to recuperate. It may take years. Well, that's what it feels like. There are some things that I don't feel anymore, some things I am no longer in touch with, and some things I no longer believe in. I need to believe in those things again otherwise I know I won't survive this life. Not how I should anyway.

Why does this hurt so much? I am free from the grasp of those who have hurt me. So why am I still suffering?

Sunday Burp

Detour to make the journey home longer was required this eve after another draining shift at work. Was accompanied by singing very loudly to Jamiroquai's 'Too Young To Die' whilst chasing the sunset. Was uplifting enough that I was able to bear seeing my sister - who was there when I got in - for five minutes which, let me tell you, is quite an achievement.

**

This week got me thinking of the things I used to love doing but stopped at some point. I guess some would call it growing up, but there are some things that you shouldn't have to grow out of.

My bedroom has these wonderfully huge windows from which you can watch the sun rise and set from. I used to spend hours staring at the sky watching the colours change. I would somehow be up instinctively at 4am or thereabouts to watch the sunrise - no alarm clocks, and this would be just before the sun peeped up so it can't have been the light waking me up! Then I would go back to sleep again. The same pull would draw me to the windows at sunset - it was like a kind of meditation for me. The other day when I went to draw my curtains the sky was one of those beautiful watercolours or something that Paul Duffield would come out with for the Freakangels.
I didn't stop to look and I wondered why as it was so beautiful. Why didn't I stop?

Then, the other day I was working in my room and I put some Sheryl Crow on that I hadn't played in ages. I was reminded of how I used to wonder what my parents thought of the music that would constantly blare out of my HiFi and what they thought of the randomness that would blare out. I wondered whether it provided them with an insight into my personality. I would get secretly thrilled if they reacted to the music in anyway. I know they liked it when I played Norah Jones and Jewel, were pleasantly surprised when I played Nina Simone and Dusty Springfield, and enjoyed a bit of Lauryn Hill! When I brought Dean Martin home my dad was well pleased. We spent a day terrorising my mum with our renditions of 'Volare' which we would burst into at random. If I knew they enjoyed something I would bring it to the HiFi downstairs so we could all listen to it together whilst doing stuff around the house. I was reminded of all of this pretty much because I had stopped playing music in my room for quite a while now. Lately I have been spending time in my room in silence.

Why is that? Is it because life becomes so stressful that you don't have time to look at the sky, or you feel you need every bit of silence as you can get? I can tell you one thing - it doesn't make life any easier, it's quite depressing. I don't know when this started.

**

Eritrean weddings are spectacular! The women look amazing with their traditional dress, dripping in large circles of gold, and had the most intricate hairdo's! The men look so handsome and play such a huge part in presenting the couple, running around with spears and jumping around so much that I was sure someone was gonna have a heart attack! It was so much fun to watch and the singing, dancing and drum playing didn't stop. It created a really charged atmosphere - me and my friends just stood in awe most of the time.

**

Some people are getting sworn at whilst others are having fun this summer. I choose life.